Life in a Holosuite
I cannot imagine
a Life without pain,
what would I be
without it?
Sometimes I think
I even like it
Pain gives me
the right
to feel bad,
with pain
I have a real reason
to feel bad
I seek pain
probably
so I can finally
rid myself of the guilt
to feel bad
but these doubts I have
take that away
Still I like pain,
it’s the only real thing
that is present
of me
in the real world
I don’t like eating
it is disgusting
all that decomposing
it is disgusting
But I have to eat
to stay alive
I have A hunger
that can’t be stilled
I have an emptiness
to be filled
I eat more
then my body
can handle
My belly hurts
I want to throw up
but I can’t
my body refuses
to give it back
I am too full
my soul is still hungry
I hate to eat
but I love the release
of anxiety
I have lost my taste
but gained so much
I want to cut it off
Maybe that’s why
I hold a razor blade
in my hand
not getting better
not getting worse
I’m alone in a forest without a path
sometimes the sun breaks through the roof of leaves
banish the shades of my face
light me up
let me float through the warmth
sometimes the wind blows
and even with the sun it’s cold
it fools me
tells me there is no sun
sometimes there is no forest
there are only trees
sometimes even the trees flee
leaving me
on a clearing
sometimes the trees are running towards me
want to catch me
sometimes I feel the rain
giving the trees water
let me freeze
sometimes you are there
let me forget the forest
let me hide in a cover
sometimes you’re watching
stand aside
not even yelling
not telling me you’re there
sometimes I want to give up looking
searching for a path
give in
lay down
shut my eyes
close in
it’s not changing
only I change
the forest into a hayfield
I’m selfish
I know
I want you
all for myself
I want you
to be unhappy
when I’m, not there
I want to be your life
not only part of it
Your life is full
happy and sad
simple and complicated
new and fun
exciting and hard
you manage
without me
I wished
you’d need me
I close myself
to keep you out
to punish you
because I’m not your life
because I’m not as important
as I want to be
to you
because you’re stronger
than me
I thought I loved you,
I thought I couldn’t live without you,
I thought I couldn’t live with you,
because of all the trouble
you lied to me,
there was no trouble,
no troubled mind,
you played with me,
and say it was
not to hurt me
I thought I knew you,
you never said was wrong
how can I trust you,
how do I know,
wasn’t it all a lie?
Was there ever something real?
Did I dream all the time
and finally woke up?
Not missing the dream,
because my life is better?
I can’t miss you
I can’t hate you
I can’t love you
I can’t think about you
you’re not real
Your lies reveal
a dream
that seems
so real
you’re not real
my heart longed
created a world
imprisoned you
you never tried
to escape
never asked
to be free
just one word
showed me the golden cage
Lie
is all you can say
time went by
and still
words don’t come easily
only lies
a mess inside
with broken feelings,
ocean of tears
troubled
by an invisible storm,
red knives
flying out of my mouth,
helpless eyes
stirring wounds
sword as backbone
driving knights away,
lonely maid
boneless legs
hidden under the table,
fear
What’s worse?
a past
that put you in darkness
or
a time
you had
that keeps hurting you
my path is unclear now
the past is hunting me
for the first time
it changed form
from a stone that drags me
down
to an animal that tears me
apart
I’m scared
for the first time
Once more with feeling
to die
is not a big thing
but to live
is the hardest task
try not to die
before you die
it’s not enough
to be alive
feel with every part
of your heart
feel love
feel pain
feel happiness
feel sorrow
feel the warmth of the sun
feel the cold of the ice
feel you
feel me
feel everything
just feel
feelings are the greatest gift
you’ll ever have
between burning and freezing
between heat and cold
miss you
lost in desire
lost in feelings
miss you
sleepy again
put too much into
miss you
thought it were different
it were
miss you
you lost your interest
again
miss you
trusted
again
miss you
opened up and got hurt
again
miss you
