One Night

As I wake up, I feel my heart pounding. I didn’t have a nightmare and yet I try to catch my breath while the heart beats against my chest. No sweat. For a second I am relieved until my brain continuous to make an assessment of my situation, I have done this so often, that I don’t even care anymore. It’s a known situation with some variables. Sometimes with a solution, sometimes not.
When did my body start shaking? Anxiety wells up inside me and looks for a way to escape. Is there one? I feel fear and some unrestness combining themselves to a power, that wants to release itself. This power is the force that drives muscles into movement. Or do I move them to provide an outlet? Trying to hold down a dangerous thought and I also fear the answer I search for. I look inside of me to see if there is an object to my angst. There is none. I am relieved. To deal with an undefined reason is easier for me because my brain cannot materialize it in my thoughts.
My body turns around again, I want to lay still. I try. On my back, with my eyes closed I listen to the music coming from my mp3-player. Why doesn’t this auditive stimulus work tonight? With too much energy I throw away the annoyance and realize that this leaves me on my own. I am glad, because right now I want to be alone. The darkness comforts me. While my body seems to get more active, my thought settle and finally approach the important question. What would help me?
As my unresting hands move along the blanket, on and off my body, I feel how a certain area want to be touched as well. I don’t. Looking further into my desires I encounter the thought I do not want to think. Cutting would help. I know for sure it would. I could just cut a little bit and after attending my wounds I would have a good night’s sleep.
I don’t want to cut.
I don’t want to make a mess of myself either.
My hips move as well as my hands do. No sexual release for me tonight. Only non-arousing areas get to feel my own warmth.
“I am nice to myself”, is what I see now, to my surprise.
That is something rare.
My legs and my upper body move too. As if I would do some gymnastics in my bed. I close my eyes and try to feel what is going on in my body. Learning how I feel and how to deal with emotions is one of my goals. I do not fight the situation even though I do not know how to bare it. . my body screams for oxygen and my breath doesn’t seem to provide it. I am gasping while I feel a certain satisfaction how this time plays out.

Another One

“Another one”
I think
Another piece I can put into my puzzle box

Another one
I don’t need
Another fact revealed how troubled we are

Another one
I have a hard time with
Another to render me helpless

Another one
I will analyse without getting a helpful result
Another burden